Chinese....American...

Maybe I'm a little slow on the uptake, but it didn't occur to me until halfway through my collegiate experience that I am such a pioneer in my own ethnic & cultural identity. Get this...

As a Chinese American, I am:
1) More Chinese than the typical (and majority) European American. Obviously, in my culture, language (for the most part), and physical features.
2) Less Chinese than the typical Chinese national. Obviously, having been born in the US and lack of knowledge/practice of traditions.
3) More American than the typical Chinese national. Obviously, for the same reasons as I am less Chinese than they are.
4) Less American than the typical (and majority) European American. Obviously, for the same reasons as I am more Chinese.

Now, laying all that out may be quite redundant (or previously known), but for me-- it is quite revealing. How so? Well, it was not until college that I realized nobody has any freaking clue how to be me (or at least part of my generation). In other words, my parents have no idea what it's like to grow up as the first US-born generation and my kids will have no idea what it was like either. In that sense, I began to focus less on the fact that I was "less American than..." and "less Chinese than..." Somehow I realized that I have the license to feel that I am "more American than..." and "more Chinese than..." which is pretty liberating, if I do say so myself.

What I'm trying to say is that I am simultaneously living out the Chinese AND American side of me in a way that makes little sense. Often times I wonder who I really am and I realized that when I try to define myself within the confines of being Chinese OR American, there is absolutely no way to make sense of it all. And that's because I am both Chinese AND American (otherwise referred to as Chinese-American). Seriously though, I cannot separate the two because it would leave me stranded somewhere in Africa or Hawaii (depending on which way you look at it).

My roots are hard to explain, but I know one thing-- nobody else has walked the path that I (and others in my generation) am on. Thus, I find solace in my identity as a pioneer.

Let me ask you this... when's the last time you checked the "other" box on an application? I do it all the time-- because when have you ever seen a " -American" box? Never.

One last thing, my kids are going to be pioneers of pioneers... get this... children with Chinese-American-Norwegian-Guatemalan-European blood/culture/language. Well, they will either be pioneers or severely screwed up in their identity. But regardless, they're sure gonna be really really really ridiculously good-looking! and tall.